Women who thought they would never be mothers

Yet both their mothers have struggled through years of despair and heartache to reach this day. Beverley Smith, 40, had two miscarriages before her son Ashley was born and 43-year-old Gillian Carr lost four babies before she was finally able to hold Elizabeth in her arms.

Both women now volunteer for the Miscarriage Association as telephone counsellors in a bid to share their experience and understanding with bereaved parents. Beverley, who lives in Fiveways, Brighton, with Ashley and her partner Mark Pywowar, first became pregnant at the age of 30 by her first partner.

Everything appeared to be fine until she reached her 12th week and went on a trip to the West Country to share the good news with her parents. She said: "I had a tiny bloodspot and then very bad stomach pains so I was admitted to hospital. I was examined by many different doctors who said there was no problem.

"Then in the morning I was taken down for a scan, when I was on my own in a strange hospital, and they told me my baby had died at ten weeks and had already started to break up."

Beverley said when she was released from hospital she was so shocked she pushed her feelings away in a dark corner and didn't really acknowledge it had happened.

She said: "I still wandered around looking at baby clothes and was convinced I was still going to have a baby. I had no one to discuss it with and it was very isolating."

In the aftermath of her miscarriage Beverley split up with her boyfriend and then met Mark, her current partner, and fell pregnant again but this time things went wrong from day one.

She said: "From the very moment I fell pregnant I was experiencing absolutely crippling pains and I couldn't stand or do anything. This time I got to ten weeks then it was exactly the same scenario and I went to the Sussex Royal County Hospital and a scan showed that baby had also died.

"I was beside myself because I was 37-years-old and panicking that I was never going to have a family. My biological clock was ticking away so I contacted the Miscarriage Association and it was such a relief to know there was somebody out there who had been through the same experience."

Beverley was told by her doctors to try again and was referred to a specialist but before further investigations could be carried out she fell pregnant again - with the recurring pain.

She was given a low dose of aspirin and scanned every week until she reached her 12th week safely but then had to deal with the blow of her father dying.

But despite all the odds and periods of haemorrhaging Beverley gave birth to Ashley only ten days before her due date. She said: "I didn't honestly believe I was going to have a baby until he was actually delivered. It was like all my Christmases rolled into one when they brought him to me."

But Beverley still remembers how desperate and isolated she felt after her miscarriages and works as a phone volunteer to offer a shoulder to cry on for women who have nowhere to turn.

She added: "People don't like to talk about it and people are very much in the dark about miscarriages until it happens to them. But it helps to keep in touch with people like the Miscarriage Association because otherwise it's very difficult to have the confidence to know you are going to get to the end of it and be able to hold your baby."

Gillian Carr, 43, has been involved with the Miscarriage Association for several years in Brighton and used to run a support group in the area. The devoted mother, who lives in Hove with her husband Nicholas, had four miscarriages and underwent numerous tests and operations before her daughter Elizabeth was born.

She found support from the association vital and is keen to pass on her support to others. She said: "It helps them to realise their feelings are not unusual. If you haven't been through it people tend to trivialise it and don't treat it like a real bereavement.

"The comment you often get from from women is 'I think I am going mad' but if they talk to someone who says they felt that way and they went through that then they feel better."

Gillian married her husband at the age of 36 and fell pregnant about four months later, but when she had reached eleven-and-a-half weeks she started bleeding and a hospital scan revealed her baby had died.

She said: "I was desperately upset because I had become pregnant quite quickly and we were really pleased. But I knew it was quite common and I thought next time it would be all right."

She soon fell pregnant again but after seven-and-a-half weeks it was the same scenario and a scan revealed her baby had already died. Several tests followed and she underwent an operation after doctors discovered she had a bicornuate uterus, where the uterus did not form fully into a whole.

Gillian said: "Then I was told to try again and, thinking that was the problem solved, we did and by September I was pregnant again and I was scanned at six weeks and eight weeks but then about three days later I started to bleed again. I had another scan and the heartbeat had gone."

Then Gillian was referred to a specialist at St Mary's Hospital, in Paddington, but before she got there she was pregnant again but yet again she started bleeding and at Christmas she had a scan which revealed her fourth baby had died.

She said: "I felt guilt that it was my fault. Each time I thought maybe there was something I had done to cause the problem. I felt guilt towards my husband that I wasn't able to provide him with the baby we wanted and there was a lot of uncertainty as to whether to keep trying or not.

"I found it very difficult each time knowing how to deal with people. I had quite varied reactions and most of them were optimistic but people would say things like 'well you can try again' or 'at least it was in the first few weeks' or 'it wasn't a real baby yet' which was meaningless because to me it was a real baby the moment I had a positive pregnancy test."

She added: "People used to say to me when I was pregnant I should be enjoying it, it's a lovely time, but normally if someone finds out they are pregnant they are expecting a baby whereas for me it would mean expecting a miscarriage."

Finally Gillian discovered she had a condition called antiphospholipid syndrome, which meant her blood clotted more easily and doctors believed it may have been a factor in her miscarriages. When she became pregnant again Gillian was given drugs to inject each day, low dose aspirin and underwent a scan every week at hospital.

At 27 weeks she gave birth to 2lb 11oz Elizabeth who then had a battle in intensive care for seven weeks because she had been born so early. Gillian said: "It took me months, even when we had her home, to really convince myself that she was all right."

Now Elizabeth is a perfectly happy and healthy four-year-old but Gillian has not forgotten the pain she suffered and how isolating it can be.

She said: "I think people expect you to get over it very quickly and don't see it as a true bereavement because you don't have a child in front of you. But for me every time I was pregnant I was a potential mother and then when I miscarried I was no longer a mother so things like Mother's Day loomed large because I wasn't a mother but I had been, almost."

Anyone who has experienced a miscarriage and would like to talk to Gillian or Beverley can contact them through the Miscarriage Association on 01924 200799.

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