You know that feeling you get when watching a horror film, when the hapless blonde victim is descending the creaky basement stairs? Despite the fact that the power has been cut, there’s a storm raging outside, a killer on the loose and she’s been receiving threatening letters? And she somehow manages to convince herself that the ominous noises down there still need checking out?

That’s the feeling I get when I watch Banged Up Abroad. Except Banged Up Abroad is better than any horror film, because what’s taking place could actually happen. To you. Provided of course you’re stupid enough to agree to a 2 week holiday in Bangladesh in exchange for strapping 4 kilos of heroin to your quivering thighs. The people featured in this programme would almost certainly be the first to get the chop in a slasher flick.

5 commissioned the series back in 2006 and God love them, they are getting their money’s worth. It’s on every channel going. Not that I’m complaining. I love it. I love the heady mixture of dread, revulsion and self-satisfaction it gives me. I love that the actor playing the drug smuggling idiot in the reconstruction is always far better looking than the real life drug smuggling idiot. I love a cautionary tale. And this has all the trimmings. Echoing prison corridors, inconsolable weeping, incomprehensible guards. Faeces on the walls. Lawyers who turn up just for practice, as they know they haven’t got a hope in hell of getting you off, and frankly, they don’t really feel inclined to try.

Obviously, the more inexperienced you are, the more likely you are to get caught. Drug runners really should think about investing in some sort of training scheme for new recruits. I don’t know how difficult it is to remain calm when you have a suitcase full of powder, but it can’t hurt to try. Approaching security leaving a trail of sweat behind you, eyes rolling back in your head, coat pockets rustling – guess what guys, YOU’RE GOING TO AROUSE SUSPICION.

Personally, I never get near an airport without a fistful of valium, consequently I can sail through check-in on a little fluffy cloud and even if I did have a thousand pounds worth of cocaine stitched into my knickers, I can still appear as sweet and innocent as a bag of organic salad. Still, I’m pretty confident that I’m not going to end up on the next series, because whilst I may be stupid, I’m not that stupid. And here comes the heady sense of self-satisfaction…

Basically, greed is why these people get themselves in these dreadful messes. Really, besides the chilling entertainment factor, Banged Up Abroad has many important messages to share with the world. The most important being that easy money is usually anything but in the long run. There is a fair chance you will end up wallowing in your own metaphorical, and actual filth. In a prison cell which makes the exceptionally grim RSPCA shelter in Risca, South Wales, look like one of Madonna’s holiday homes.