I AM an industrious and creative self-starter, equally adept at working alone or as part of a team. I am a good time-keeper, who thrives in a pressured work environment.

I know what you're wondering. Whose name could possibly sit atop this monumental CV? Does such an incredibly perfect golden-boy even exist?

Well, yes. Far be it from me to blow my own trumpet, but the model of employability is, ahem, yours truly.

But don't feel insecure. Your CV is probably just like mine.

Except it's not true, is it? In reality our perfect CVs are nothing but a contrived crock of porky pies, full of more whoppers than Billy Bunter squeezing out the door of the burger bar.

The Latin "curriculum vitae" roughly translates as "course of life". Sadly the true course of my life is nothing but a litany of lazy days, missed appointments and general lackadaisical disorganisation. And I don't "thrive in a pressured work environment". No, I crack like Britney Spears in a hairdresser.

I don't know about you, but these lies make me feel a little uneasy.

I learnt my lesson when I was nine. A new type of girl appeared in my Primary 4 class, a jodhpurs-wearing sophisticate. Truly she was haughty, naughty, private-school totty.

For her of course I could horse-ride. Show-jump? Before I could walk! This little princess had no idea that the nearest I ever came to a horse was when my scary aunt from Shettleston came to visit.

It was so perfect until Daddy decided to buy his spoilt little girl a pony for her 9th birthday.

My world came crashing down around me at her birthday party.

I stood quivering before the beast as my girl watched, waiting for her Buffalo Bill to tame the wild steed. In humiliation I came clean.

Crikey, this job search can only end like that, or worse - like the time I tried internet dating. Oh, the disappointed faces when they find out the sad truth.

So "I am a person who will on certain occasions produce passable work, but only if the mood takes me. I am prone to bouts of laziness and procrastination. Furthermore, I detest working in groups, as my experience is that most people are verging on the clueless."

There, CV done. Come and get me, world!